Five chapters into my newest Kindle companion, "Eat, Pray, Love," by Elizabeth Gilbert (no, I did not see the movie), it became uncanny how much I had identified with what Gilbert was writing. Alas, I am only on chapter 7, so that's really all I can say about the book. But I can talk about my own adventures, in dating. While these adventures don't involve traveling to India, Indonesia or Italy (because I am currently shackled down to a pesky Bar), they do involve lots of eating and praying, but in reverse order. I PRAY that the guy that asked me out is normal, then I EAT with him if he seems relatively normal, and then I LOVE the moment I get home to safety when I realize he is not, in fact, normal.
The first issue is actually meeting a normal guy. It's amazing how many old guy friends give you a "casual call" as soon as your facebook status changes from taken to single. But if you don't want to ruin a perfectly good friendship, or you are incapable of doing the Portman-Kutcher friends with benefits thing, you have to branch out and meet new people. I have no interest in meeting someone at a bar because it's highly likely that someone I went to high school with has already been there/done that. I don't want to be the seventh degree of Kevin Kosher Bacon, thank you. Although there is nothing more fun than seeing how many guys ask for your number in a night (some nights are better than others), there is nothing more annoying than getting ten calls in a row at 3am from some number with a weird area code from Scott or Sam or Seth or something, asking if he can come over to snuggle because he is "locked out of his apartment-er-condo." Then there are the ones that stand out, like Javier, my steamy Argentinian pro-tennis player who reeked of the world's nastiest cologne and left me sassy messages. Needless to say he did not qualify for criteria #1: being Jewish. While it is unfortunate that this first priority greatly narrows the pool of tall, good looking, not-cheap, no longer breastfeeding guys, the reality is that unless I know that one day he and I could produce outgoing-jew-fro-ed-big-nosed-hilarious-genius-monster-doctor-babies, there is no way I will be able to feel that instant connection one looks for in a mate. Therefore, meeting lots of guys in bars is fun but not fruitful.
The polar opposite of meeting someone at the bars is meeting a guy online. I have experimented with Jdate and so far have encountered each of the three little pigs:
First, the one with the straw- this guy did not stop talking about his diet and his desire to lose 50lbs in 12 weeks (read: manorexic). He only ingested what he could drink through a straw. I would not have thought twice about his weight had it not been for his constant reminder that he wished he could eat the leftover bread crust on my plate. I am pretty sure that is on the top five things you are not supposed to talk about on your first date. Next!
Second, the one with the wood- you guessed it. The guy got wasted and thus much too affectionate for the first date. The intentions were nice, the attention was not. Pass.
Third, the one with the brick- he came along and hit me like a ton of bricks. We were in love after the first date and it lead to a month long love affair much too passionate to describe on a blog that my dad reads (hi dad). Unfortunately, we both soon realized that each of us were carrying some recent baggage much to big to hide behind a brick wall, and so we parted ways-for now.
As a result I am left with a bad taste in my mouth from online dating. When I wasn't single and things were easier said than done, I always urged my single friends to give it a try because I have heard several success stories. But my experience has shown me that it is a strange animal one has to learn to tame: skimming over the weirdos that stalk you and constantly look at your profile, even though nothing on it has changed, the flakes that ask you out but don't follow through, the desperates who waited-too-long-and-all-my-friends-are-married-now-so-I'm-really-ready-to-commit-and-have-babies-but-in-reality-I-really-am-not-ready-because-I-have-too-many-issues, and of course the rare hot ones that go out with all the cute girls but end up like the latter guy. Equally discouraging are the times you go against every ounce of your dignity and make the initial email only to see that while he opened the message, he did not find your picture and profile exciting enough to reply. His loss, as he will never be able to smell my perfume over cyber space.
In between the poles of meeting at a bar versus online dating are the more comfortable approaches: One option is being set up by mutual friends or family members (This is a good option as long as it is not a friend's sibling which I would urge anyone to avoid at all costs). A few good dates have resulted from this method, but on the other hand it's awkward when it doesn't work out. For example, one friend of a friend asked me to go out to a really nice dinner. I thought it would be fun, but fair to warn, "dinner sounds great! I just want to be clear and let you know that I just got out of a recent breakup and therefore am not really looking for anything serious." Of course, this was a big fat lie, but you can't expect me to say, "sure, take me out to a fancy dinner, but I don't find you attractive!" Turns out "his mom planned something" for that night so he would have to "reschedule." At least his "mommy" got me out of a date with her strange son, probably so that I can spend that night hanging out with an equally strange guy.
Another option is meeting a guy at a neutral place like Starbucks or Whole Foods. The downside here is that you need to do your hair and wear makeup when you grab a dozen eggs or your morning latte, but the upside is that you end up meeting perfectly normal guys whom you know are able to shop for themselves and are happy to pay for overpriced groceries and coffee. Earlier this week I met a very cute but slightly nervous young man (a little too young- what defines a cougar?) picking out pasta at Whole Foods. I flashed him a smile and asked "what are we making?" which lead to a short game of Jewish geography and a date next Thursday- we're making pasta. Today I had an encounter while studying at Starbucks, and my cheeks are just now recovering from the intense blushing that resulted. My tall, fit new friend who was adorable but didn't take himself too seriously (I tried not to look at his pants which were a little tight at the bottom), came to my table and coyly asked if he could borrow my chair in the most apologetic tone. When I laughed and assured him it was ok since no one was using it, I batted my eyelashes one too many times as he grinned with his award winning smile. Just when I got discouraged as I watched him exit the shop, he turned around and tactfully dropped his business card on top of my torts book. It read, "Remodeling with a Personal Touch." Hmm, personal touch indeed- sexy and smooth!
Perhaps the best time for a keeper to spring up is in the spring. I'm going to Cabo this spring with some excellent fellow single flirts where I plan on getting a plethora of latin VD's (I am expecting a phone call from my confused mom asking me what a VD is- I don't think this joke will go over well...). And over the summer there is not a better place to meet hot athletic singles than North Avenue Beach playing beach volleyball where the volleyballs are not the only things bouncing. Either way, like past relationships, each date is one step closer to finding out what I do- and definitely DON'T- want in my soulmate. In the mean time I'm doing lots of eating, praying, and loving my adventures (and many ridiculous stories) of the best and worst Chicago has to offer.
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