“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and conveniences, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." ~MLK (Thanks David!)
Last week I wrote a blog post, "When to Take Your Wishes for Granted." I read it about fifty times before I published it, and, while I couldn't put my finger on it, something about the message I sent in the post wasn't quite right. The premise, if you did not read it, was "finding love strong enough to withstand everything, enabling you to take that love for granted." Nevertheless, I proceeded to publish it, without practicing patience and waiting to figure out exactly what the problem was. After I published it I received several responses. I found that my single readers said "well done, I couldn't have said it better myself," while my married readers said "I agree with most of what you are saying, but not all of it." My friend Nutella, to whom I referred to in that post, said it best. When I asked her if what I was trying to convey came through, she replied, "Completely/ I think that 'take for granted' is a very loaded phrase/ even if you qualify it/ but your meaning still comes through."
Today I went to one of my great classes, where we discussed patience. While sitting in the class it dawned on me that I had it backwards in my last blog post. In Judaism we are taught that in a marriage, your partner is ultimately there to make you a better person, and vice versa. So for example, the more humble of the spouses might be a force in teaching his or her partner how to be more humble. So when I asked in my earlier post "how can I trust someone to love me even when i suck," I was wrong in my approach. The real issue is not about my ability to trust someone to love me when I suck, rather the test is on the ability of my partner to have patience with me even when I suck. Nobody is perfect, but if your spouse is there to balance you out, then the one whose patience is being tested, and who carries that burden with humility and faith, will keep those scales even.
The funny thing about sitting through that class was that I am generally an extremely patient person. In fact, I am so patient with most people that I end up being a doormat, allowing people to walk all over me without batting an eye. I end up going out of my way to accommodate those people or allowing them to continue taking advantage of my patience instead of standing up for myself. Last week I saw a Reiki healer (Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. Click here to find out more, she was excellent and feel free to ask me for her number). After an hour of doing whatever she does, she discussed the "Shakras" in my body that needed healing. This woman, who had never met me before and knows nothing about me, said that my biggest problem was in my throat. She basically explained that the "shakra" is completely clogged, because while I am very expressive and passionate, especially with love, I don't tell people when they hurt me or when I have been wronged. Over the last two or three months I have identified this downside of patience and have been able to be more assertive in preventing that from happening.
On the other hand, I find that the closer I am with someone, the less patient I am. So for example, while studying for the Bar Exam, I can get two phone calls. One is from some random guy I have never spoken to and I would easily put my pencil down and talk for half an hour. At the same time, if I were to get a phone call from my mother, I would have no problem telling her, in an agitated voice, "Mom! I am studying, I can't talk right now!"
At that point, even though I should practice patience with my mom, and give her three minutes on the phone so that she can make sure I am okay, my mom has to practice patience with me. We have all heard those stories of the man who missed his flight, which ended up crashing. Children have accidents, or barf on the carpet, but what is the use of getting mad? At the end of the day, there are so many events in the universe that we cannot control, so how will getting mad and impatient help? The fundamental realization here is "who am I, one minuscule person in this gigantic universe, that the rest of the world around me needs to stop so that I can get my way?"
For example, my biggest pet peeve is road rage. Everyone is driving. Everyone is in traffic. Everyone needs to get somewhere, or go home, or make their flight. Maybe you arrive to your destination fifteen minutes early, but it is at the expense of your safety, the safety of others around you, and looking like a jerk. Taking a deep breath and remembering that it could be worse will ultimately get you much farther in life than impatience will get you that minute. And the same thing applies to those you love- practicing patience with them will make for a much more loving and healthier relationship. Patience is a burden, one you must carry on your shoulders, but the key is being okay with that burden and carrying it. The inability to carry it results in rage.
Today I had probably the best day I have ever had in the last six months. Nothing in particular happened, but everything went my way, and I did nothing to anyone else that I was ashamed of. I felt lighthearted and happy. Since I was able to acknowledge the greatness of the day throughout the day, it was even better. Not looking at the clock and anticipating time, being present and patient and in the moment. Unfortunately, that perfect day was pretty much shattered when, upon driving home after my class, I unconsciously honked at a car parked in the middle of the street in front of me. I could have driven around it, but I honked instead. I was so disappointed immediately after I honked, literally just having returned from a class about patience. But that's okay, the day was still great and tomorrow is another chance for my patience to be tested. And congrats to you, dear reader, for having the patience to take a moment out of your day and completing this post.
