Fin.

Veni. Vidi. Vici.

עד מאה ועשרים שנה

Happy birthday to my superhero dad, who just started P90X and can kick my ass....

To lots of joy and health and many more memories in your new home (that has lots of fun places to hide!!)

WARNING: This One is Tacky and Doesn't Really Make Sense

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..."
— Dr. Seuss (Oh, the Places You'll Go!)

One week until the biggest test in my life, and my head is distracted and filled with some pretty pesky thoughts that feel like they are constantly clawing at the inside of my skull trying to be blurted out. Deep breaths will get me through the next 8 days, and I will be finished with academia forever, although I can't deny that I'll probably take many more classes for many more interesting hobbies, none of which entail taking a two-day long, sixteen hour exam. Improv, music, writing, art, volleyball, boxing, aaah the options!

The bar will be the very tip of my Everest-like year, climbing much more uphill than I deserved. My heart burst into pieces so small they were as fine as sand. The past will be the past and I will climb down stronger, happier and more filled with love- leaving those behind who see what they want to see and still don't get it, hopefully releasing a careless trail of resentment and anger behind me, in case I ever need to follow that path back to my lessons learned.

Ultimate happiness is on the tip of my tongue- I have learned what is good in my life and the scales are no longer balanced but have found equilibrium in a different, gravity defying way. One more week and I start a new journey. First, travels to Mexico. Then, beginning work. Then finding the (next) heart-mangling love of my life and traveling to Paris, Australia, Nepal, Thailand and Hong Kong... Oh the places we'll go! Making money, settling down without wasting away. Enjoying expensive, palate pleasing foods and wines with hundreds of fruity layers. Last minute getaways and weekends listening to the rain in bed. Stares from across the room. Days without talking and fireworks when love is affirmed upon reuniting. Giving and giving and giving. I am blessed with amazing friends and family, one day soon hopefully some kids, and someone above is definitely watching me. I owe society a-lot more than I have given so far, and the more my future brings the more I will owe.

Here's to the home stretch (and for not having to do it over again)... If you look for me after the bar, I will likely be at the other kind of bar in an intoxicated dreamy haze through April.

For a smile on your face read this article about one of my favorite shows, The Office. It makes so much sense to me, and I think I'm more like Michael Scott than I dare to admit!

Click HERE

Craig's Pissed

They are saying Mark Zukerberg's Facebook helped spark the revolutionary changes we are seeing take place in Egypt. While it is still in limbo and we are unsure of whether at the end of the day, Mubarak's ambiguous resignation will be for better or for worse, I'm pretty sure Zukerberg is stoked about the fact that Facebook was a catalyst in an uprising that may lead to a whole new democratic era in the Middle East (though I remain skeptical). Same thing with whoever founded Twitter.

Then there's Groupon, despite the latest Superbowl controversy, has helped the old, young, rich and poor get manicures for half price and $20 off romantic dinners (though that in itself is somewhat of a paradox...). No doubt the founders, from here in Chicago (I just had drinks with one of the guys that provided the initial investment capital), never imagined the international coupon craze they'd begin, and in perfect timing for the crash of our economy too!

But then there's Craigslist. While I have made a sweet buck or two on Craigslist, the immediate synonym that pops up in my head when I think of Craigslist is "CREEPS." I have never bought, only sold on Craigslist, and have always met in public places. While I'd friend (almost) any random shmo from Arkansas on Facebook, or go to any sketchy dive bar I buy a Groupon for, I remain weary of Craigslist and anyone I'll interact with as a result of it.

Other synonyms to Craigslist include:
Creep;
Killer;
Cheater;
Coitus;
Crazy;
Con Artists; and
Congress.

While Zuckerberg and the Groupon people are flying high, I wonder how Craig Newmark feels about the fact that his website has lead to some of the sketchiest scandals in recent memory. If you Google "craigslist scandals," there are over 1.5 million results that range from selling babies to prostitution, most of which involve some sort of political figure sending a shirtless picture over the internet. DO THEY NOT LEARN??? Really, what has happened to good, old fashioned picking up a whore in the back alleys of dimly lit neighborhoods?

And of course, while we hear about these scandals daily in the news, think about everything we don't hear about... men cheat on their wives, who are probably cheating on their husbands, and bring home some weird new string of STDs doctors will nickname the "craigslist crabs" in a few years time. And while Craigslist has recently removed their "adult section" after a great amount of political pressure (ironic), they still have the "personals" section which pretty much serves the same purpose. I would think, with a very small exception, that women seeking men, men seeking women, women seeking women and men seeking men would pretty much cover all of the bases... I shudder the think what the "Misc Romance" category would include (see picture).

Disregarding for a moment the fact that adultary, prostitution and selling babies is illegal, Craigslist seemed to have become the newest, most horrifying social network to date. Yet another site folks can hide behind, enabling the new phenomenon of social networks taking the "person" out of "personality." I think about that poor girl who was engaged to Philip Markoff. She thought she knew the person she was going to marry- a second year, preppy medical school student who was accused of murdering one woman and attacking another, both whom he found through ads on Craigslist. He ended up killing himself in prison, leaving behind what I can only imagine to be a wildly confused and emotionally scarred fiancee. Talk about an "I thought I knew you" complex.

Whatever the reason, this discreetly disgusting and disturbing slap on our generation makes me worry about what kind of weirdos my children will have to deal with when computers become life-sized holographs and instant transporters! Equally hilarious is the fact that, if you think about it, the leader of our country, former President Clinton basically gave everyone the thumbs up to doing the nasty with an intern behind your wife's back. If you ask me, I think Hillary would have won the Democratic ticket if she had left Bill back with Monica. Whatever the reason, hats off to the late Elizabeth Edwards, for being the first political wife I can think of for finally leaving her husband, in the face of her terminal illness, and spending her last days with her children and not in the shadow of John, his mistress, and their new baby. I'm surprised it did not inspire more women to leave their men in the dust. Either way, I still have hope that Alicia Florrick will leave Mr. Big for the charming yet cunning Will Gardner (for those of you who are lost, she's from the TV show "The Good Wife").

To be clear, I'm no feminist, but I do think that dudes cheat more often than dudettes, or at least are dumb enough to get caught more often. And we all know that guys probably usually peace out as soon as they hear their wife cheated, while wives stay at home and continue perpetuating stereotypes. For your enjoyment, I will end this post with the lyrics to a song I wrote for one of my Second City performances last year. Enjoy and use a condom!


SEX ADDICTION by Sally P

It began with Dave Duchovny
And it sure did not end there.
Men from all over the world
Got caught with different underwear.

Politicians and celebs,
It does not come as a shock
That they have a good excuse
For where they have misplaced their cock.

Men from DC to California
Checked into a “treatment center”,
To show their wives they’ll stop
Searching for other girls to enter.

Yes these mistresses, They
Seem to have, quite the fertile eggs.
But the men always forget this
When they’re in between their legs.

(Chorus)
Sex addiction, Sex addition, Sex addiction.
No more drugs or booze, blame it on sex addiction.
It’s ok if it’s just play,
They won’t find out, no how, no way.
But if they do just blame it on the sex addiction.

(Verse)
Jesse James is now the latest
To screw women with no class.
Sandra’s Oscar's the only man
Who won’t have to kiss her ass.

So John Edwards had a mistress
And a wife with cancer too.
Then his mistress had a kid
Now he’s knee deep in its poo.

Elliot Spitzer, he got caught,
With the call girl Ashley Dupre.
I’m sure Prince Charles and Camilla,
Innocently had “afternoon tea.”

Larry Craig was in a bathroom,
And the papers had a feast.
Then a little boy was found
Right underneath a Catholic Priest.

(Chorus)
Sex addiction, Sex addition, Sex addiction.
No more drugs or booze, blame it on sex addiction.
It’s ok if it’s just play,
They won’t find out, no how, no way.
But if they do just blame it on the sex addiction.


(Bridge)
But this addiction is not just for men alone,
Women also like to lie and cheat and bone.
Yes you bitches, some of you sure do like to score,
For example… (pause, can't think of a name)…
Well she’s a WHORE! (Shout: “Double Standard!)

(Verse)
Tiger Woods was quite the player,
Now he’s in a sexual rut.
He no longer gets to see
Any more dirty, groupie sluts.

Yes oh yes, he’s quite the “master,”
But in more ways then just one.
What’s so wrong with him
Just havin’ just a little bit of fun?

Will someone remind Jon Gosselin
That he’s a douche who likes to party.
And he will always be a loser,
Especially when he wears Ed Hardy.

(Slow) Monogamy, it is no longer-
Don’t extend that olive branch.
I guess they had the right idea,
On that creepy Mormon ranch.

(Chorus)
Sex addiction, Sex addition, Sex addiction.
It’s a-ok if you have got a sex addiction.
Everyone does it, so should you,
I don’t know what else I would do
Without this great disease called Sex Addiction!

Everyone does it, so should you,
I don’t know what else I would do
Without this great disease called Sex Addiction!

Eat, Pray, Ugh: Adventures in Dating

Five chapters into my newest Kindle companion, "Eat, Pray, Love," by Elizabeth Gilbert (no, I did not see the movie), it became uncanny how much I had identified with what Gilbert was writing. Alas, I am only on chapter 7, so that's really all I can say about the book. But I can talk about my own adventures, in dating. While these adventures don't involve traveling to India, Indonesia or Italy (because I am currently shackled down to a pesky Bar), they do involve lots of eating and praying, but in reverse order. I PRAY that the guy that asked me out is normal, then I EAT with him if he seems relatively normal, and then I LOVE the moment I get home to safety when I realize he is not, in fact, normal.

The first issue is actually meeting a normal guy. It's amazing how many old guy friends give you a "casual call" as soon as your facebook status changes from taken to single. But if you don't want to ruin a perfectly good friendship, or you are incapable of doing the Portman-Kutcher friends with benefits thing, you have to branch out and meet new people. I have no interest in meeting someone at a bar because it's highly likely that someone I went to high school with has already been there/done that. I don't want to be the seventh degree of Kevin Kosher Bacon, thank you. Although there is nothing more fun than seeing how many guys ask for your number in a night (some nights are better than others), there is nothing more annoying than getting ten calls in a row at 3am from some number with a weird area code from Scott or Sam or Seth or something, asking if he can come over to snuggle because he is "locked out of his apartment-er-condo." Then there are the ones that stand out, like Javier, my steamy Argentinian pro-tennis player who reeked of the world's nastiest cologne and left me sassy messages. Needless to say he did not qualify for criteria #1: being Jewish. While it is unfortunate that this first priority greatly narrows the pool of tall, good looking, not-cheap, no longer breastfeeding guys, the reality is that unless I know that one day he and I could produce outgoing-jew-fro-ed-big-nosed-hilarious-genius-monster-doctor-babies, there is no way I will be able to feel that instant connection one looks for in a mate. Therefore, meeting lots of guys in bars is fun but not fruitful.

The polar opposite of meeting someone at the bars is meeting a guy online. I have experimented with Jdate and so far have encountered each of the three little pigs:

First, the one with the straw- this guy did not stop talking about his diet and his desire to lose 50lbs in 12 weeks (read: manorexic). He only ingested what he could drink through a straw. I would not have thought twice about his weight had it not been for his constant reminder that he wished he could eat the leftover bread crust on my plate. I am pretty sure that is on the top five things you are not supposed to talk about on your first date. Next!

Second, the one with the wood- you guessed it. The guy got wasted and thus much too affectionate for the first date. The intentions were nice, the attention was not. Pass.

Third, the one with the brick- he came along and hit me like a ton of bricks. We were in love after the first date and it lead to a month long love affair much too passionate to describe on a blog that my dad reads (hi dad). Unfortunately, we both soon realized that each of us were carrying some recent baggage much to big to hide behind a brick wall, and so we parted ways-for now.

As a result I am left with a bad taste in my mouth from online dating. When I wasn't single and things were easier said than done, I always urged my single friends to give it a try because I have heard several success stories. But my experience has shown me that it is a strange animal one has to learn to tame: skimming over the weirdos that stalk you and constantly look at your profile, even though nothing on it has changed, the flakes that ask you out but don't follow through, the desperates who waited-too-long-and-all-my-friends-are-married-now-so-I'm-really-ready-to-commit-and-have-babies-but-in-reality-I-really-am-not-ready-because-I-have-too-many-issues, and of course the rare hot ones that go out with all the cute girls but end up like the latter guy. Equally discouraging are the times you go against every ounce of your dignity and make the initial email only to see that while he opened the message, he did not find your picture and profile exciting enough to reply. His loss, as he will never be able to smell my perfume over cyber space.

In between the poles of meeting at a bar versus online dating are the more comfortable approaches: One option is being set up by mutual friends or family members (This is a good option as long as it is not a friend's sibling which I would urge anyone to avoid at all costs). A few good dates have resulted from this method, but on the other hand it's awkward when it doesn't work out. For example, one friend of a friend asked me to go out to a really nice dinner. I thought it would be fun, but fair to warn, "dinner sounds great! I just want to be clear and let you know that I just got out of a recent breakup and therefore am not really looking for anything serious." Of course, this was a big fat lie, but you can't expect me to say, "sure, take me out to a fancy dinner, but I don't find you attractive!" Turns out "his mom planned something" for that night so he would have to "reschedule." At least his "mommy" got me out of a date with her strange son, probably so that I can spend that night hanging out with an equally strange guy.

Another option is meeting a guy at a neutral place like Starbucks or Whole Foods. The downside here is that you need to do your hair and wear makeup when you grab a dozen eggs or your morning latte, but the upside is that you end up meeting perfectly normal guys whom you know are able to shop for themselves and are happy to pay for overpriced groceries and coffee. Earlier this week I met a very cute but slightly nervous young man (a little too young- what defines a cougar?) picking out pasta at Whole Foods. I flashed him a smile and asked "what are we making?" which lead to a short game of Jewish geography and a date next Thursday- we're making pasta. Today I had an encounter while studying at Starbucks, and my cheeks are just now recovering from the intense blushing that resulted. My tall, fit new friend who was adorable but didn't take himself too seriously (I tried not to look at his pants which were a little tight at the bottom), came to my table and coyly asked if he could borrow my chair in the most apologetic tone. When I laughed and assured him it was ok since no one was using it, I batted my eyelashes one too many times as he grinned with his award winning smile. Just when I got discouraged as I watched him exit the shop, he turned around and tactfully dropped his business card on top of my torts book. It read, "Remodeling with a Personal Touch." Hmm, personal touch indeed- sexy and smooth!

Perhaps the best time for a keeper to spring up is in the spring. I'm going to Cabo this spring with some excellent fellow single flirts where I plan on getting a plethora of latin VD's (I am expecting a phone call from my confused mom asking me what a VD is- I don't think this joke will go over well...). And over the summer there is not a better place to meet hot athletic singles than North Avenue Beach playing beach volleyball where the volleyballs are not the only things bouncing. Either way, like past relationships, each date is one step closer to finding out what I do- and definitely DON'T- want in my soulmate. In the mean time I'm doing lots of eating, praying, and loving my adventures (and many ridiculous stories) of the best and worst Chicago has to offer.

Snow Day!!!

Whether the weather be cold,
Whether the weather be hot,
We'll be together
Whatever the weather
Whether we like it (like Moe) or not (like Sadie)!

We hope you are having a fabulous snow day!!!!!!!!
I hope the groundhog likes snow...