Craig's Pissed

They are saying Mark Zukerberg's Facebook helped spark the revolutionary changes we are seeing take place in Egypt. While it is still in limbo and we are unsure of whether at the end of the day, Mubarak's ambiguous resignation will be for better or for worse, I'm pretty sure Zukerberg is stoked about the fact that Facebook was a catalyst in an uprising that may lead to a whole new democratic era in the Middle East (though I remain skeptical). Same thing with whoever founded Twitter.

Then there's Groupon, despite the latest Superbowl controversy, has helped the old, young, rich and poor get manicures for half price and $20 off romantic dinners (though that in itself is somewhat of a paradox...). No doubt the founders, from here in Chicago (I just had drinks with one of the guys that provided the initial investment capital), never imagined the international coupon craze they'd begin, and in perfect timing for the crash of our economy too!

But then there's Craigslist. While I have made a sweet buck or two on Craigslist, the immediate synonym that pops up in my head when I think of Craigslist is "CREEPS." I have never bought, only sold on Craigslist, and have always met in public places. While I'd friend (almost) any random shmo from Arkansas on Facebook, or go to any sketchy dive bar I buy a Groupon for, I remain weary of Craigslist and anyone I'll interact with as a result of it.

Other synonyms to Craigslist include:
Creep;
Killer;
Cheater;
Coitus;
Crazy;
Con Artists; and
Congress.

While Zuckerberg and the Groupon people are flying high, I wonder how Craig Newmark feels about the fact that his website has lead to some of the sketchiest scandals in recent memory. If you Google "craigslist scandals," there are over 1.5 million results that range from selling babies to prostitution, most of which involve some sort of political figure sending a shirtless picture over the internet. DO THEY NOT LEARN??? Really, what has happened to good, old fashioned picking up a whore in the back alleys of dimly lit neighborhoods?

And of course, while we hear about these scandals daily in the news, think about everything we don't hear about... men cheat on their wives, who are probably cheating on their husbands, and bring home some weird new string of STDs doctors will nickname the "craigslist crabs" in a few years time. And while Craigslist has recently removed their "adult section" after a great amount of political pressure (ironic), they still have the "personals" section which pretty much serves the same purpose. I would think, with a very small exception, that women seeking men, men seeking women, women seeking women and men seeking men would pretty much cover all of the bases... I shudder the think what the "Misc Romance" category would include (see picture).

Disregarding for a moment the fact that adultary, prostitution and selling babies is illegal, Craigslist seemed to have become the newest, most horrifying social network to date. Yet another site folks can hide behind, enabling the new phenomenon of social networks taking the "person" out of "personality." I think about that poor girl who was engaged to Philip Markoff. She thought she knew the person she was going to marry- a second year, preppy medical school student who was accused of murdering one woman and attacking another, both whom he found through ads on Craigslist. He ended up killing himself in prison, leaving behind what I can only imagine to be a wildly confused and emotionally scarred fiancee. Talk about an "I thought I knew you" complex.

Whatever the reason, this discreetly disgusting and disturbing slap on our generation makes me worry about what kind of weirdos my children will have to deal with when computers become life-sized holographs and instant transporters! Equally hilarious is the fact that, if you think about it, the leader of our country, former President Clinton basically gave everyone the thumbs up to doing the nasty with an intern behind your wife's back. If you ask me, I think Hillary would have won the Democratic ticket if she had left Bill back with Monica. Whatever the reason, hats off to the late Elizabeth Edwards, for being the first political wife I can think of for finally leaving her husband, in the face of her terminal illness, and spending her last days with her children and not in the shadow of John, his mistress, and their new baby. I'm surprised it did not inspire more women to leave their men in the dust. Either way, I still have hope that Alicia Florrick will leave Mr. Big for the charming yet cunning Will Gardner (for those of you who are lost, she's from the TV show "The Good Wife").

To be clear, I'm no feminist, but I do think that dudes cheat more often than dudettes, or at least are dumb enough to get caught more often. And we all know that guys probably usually peace out as soon as they hear their wife cheated, while wives stay at home and continue perpetuating stereotypes. For your enjoyment, I will end this post with the lyrics to a song I wrote for one of my Second City performances last year. Enjoy and use a condom!


SEX ADDICTION by Sally P

It began with Dave Duchovny
And it sure did not end there.
Men from all over the world
Got caught with different underwear.

Politicians and celebs,
It does not come as a shock
That they have a good excuse
For where they have misplaced their cock.

Men from DC to California
Checked into a “treatment center”,
To show their wives they’ll stop
Searching for other girls to enter.

Yes these mistresses, They
Seem to have, quite the fertile eggs.
But the men always forget this
When they’re in between their legs.

(Chorus)
Sex addiction, Sex addition, Sex addiction.
No more drugs or booze, blame it on sex addiction.
It’s ok if it’s just play,
They won’t find out, no how, no way.
But if they do just blame it on the sex addiction.

(Verse)
Jesse James is now the latest
To screw women with no class.
Sandra’s Oscar's the only man
Who won’t have to kiss her ass.

So John Edwards had a mistress
And a wife with cancer too.
Then his mistress had a kid
Now he’s knee deep in its poo.

Elliot Spitzer, he got caught,
With the call girl Ashley Dupre.
I’m sure Prince Charles and Camilla,
Innocently had “afternoon tea.”

Larry Craig was in a bathroom,
And the papers had a feast.
Then a little boy was found
Right underneath a Catholic Priest.

(Chorus)
Sex addiction, Sex addition, Sex addiction.
No more drugs or booze, blame it on sex addiction.
It’s ok if it’s just play,
They won’t find out, no how, no way.
But if they do just blame it on the sex addiction.


(Bridge)
But this addiction is not just for men alone,
Women also like to lie and cheat and bone.
Yes you bitches, some of you sure do like to score,
For example… (pause, can't think of a name)…
Well she’s a WHORE! (Shout: “Double Standard!)

(Verse)
Tiger Woods was quite the player,
Now he’s in a sexual rut.
He no longer gets to see
Any more dirty, groupie sluts.

Yes oh yes, he’s quite the “master,”
But in more ways then just one.
What’s so wrong with him
Just havin’ just a little bit of fun?

Will someone remind Jon Gosselin
That he’s a douche who likes to party.
And he will always be a loser,
Especially when he wears Ed Hardy.

(Slow) Monogamy, it is no longer-
Don’t extend that olive branch.
I guess they had the right idea,
On that creepy Mormon ranch.

(Chorus)
Sex addiction, Sex addition, Sex addiction.
It’s a-ok if you have got a sex addiction.
Everyone does it, so should you,
I don’t know what else I would do
Without this great disease called Sex Addiction!

Everyone does it, so should you,
I don’t know what else I would do
Without this great disease called Sex Addiction!