When To Take Your Wishes For Granted

January 31 of last year was a very special day for me, but within the last year my life has changed tremendously. I learned a-lot about human nature, but I am also left with hundreds of unanswered questions. Perhaps the hardest to answer is this: When does a relationship with someone become strong enough so that you can you finally take your love for granted?

Lets take Taylor, from "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" for example. She and her husband live in a world of plastic Barbie Dolls. In fear of losing her husband to a younger woman, Taylor has to stop eating and botch her face with Botox in order to remain what her husband considers to be "attractive." Debra, from "Everybody Loves Raymond" illustrates that having sex with her husband is an act of love, and not something that she actually wants to do. But what if Taylor and Debra stopped complying? Would their husbands quit? Does this go both ways?

Advice that I always gave my single friends, and I now remind myself, is always make sure that the guy you date likes you more than you like him. This serves as a defensive shield that prevents you from getting hurt, because lets face it, guys can be jerks. At some point however, that line naturally blurs and a mutual and equal love should develop between two people, and my silly rule can be dismissed. I once dated a guy who, whenever I talked about how perfect things were, always reminded me that things are not always perfect, but that you work on those things and get passed them in order to make a relationship successful. Another wise friend told me that after a rough break up, she learned, "you don't want a man who you have to ask to [buy you flowers/stand up for you/change a lightbulb/insert issue here]. You want a man who will just do it."

Lets not equate "taking for granted" with "stop working." At the same time that a relationship becomes more serious, it also becomes more work. But this hard work is meant to attain ultimate pleasure and joy from your partner. It is not hard work meant to constantly keep you on edge, leaving you unable to feel comfortable, content. It is not hard work that is meant to leave you unable take your love for granted, without the fear of screwing it up because of a bad day, week, month or even year.

My dilemma is as such: when is a commitment a commitment? If People Magazine today teaches us anything, it's that you have to get pregnant in order to get a ring, and that no marriage is faithful. I can tell you with certainty of only ONE marriage that has remained loving, happy and faithful- my parents'. Lets face it folks, not even Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was faithful to his wife.

Thus, my head swirls with doubts. I reflect, asking myself "when can I trust someone to love me even when I suck?" My very wise friend, let's call her Nutella, and I have had dozens of conversations about relationships, trust, and love. I, on the one hand, am a hopeless romantic. I believe every story has a fairy tale ending and am a sucker for love. At the other side of the spectrum, Nutella is, at most, cautiously optimistic about the theory I call love and treads lightly around the idea. Her mother taught her that a good relationship has four pillars: Humor (not too hard to find), Intelligence (that's relative I suppose), Motivation (is he a couch potato or a go getter?), and Generosity (the hardest to come by). Together, even when you suck, an intelligent, motivated and generous man will not take the easy path out, but might find some humor in it and work towards the light at the end of the tunnel, thus allowing you to take your love for granted.

While discussing my recent dating escapades with Nutella, all the stories lead her to but one question about Jewish men, "Do their balls ever drop?" (Her words, not mine). Needless to say these escapades, while fun, have not yet brought me any step closer to the assurance that there will be one day where I don't have to explain away my bad mood, be questioned when I want a light-bulb changed, or be embarrassed if I accidentally fart under the covers.

Then I think about the Rabbis that teach me. Each of them went on at MOST ten dates before they knew they were ready to get married to their wives. None of them are divorced, and their relationships are as healthy as a relationship get. How did they know after only ten dates that she was "the one?" The husband-wife dynamic is TOP priority, despite the ten little kids running around at home, the constant buzz of the blackberry, and the dozens of people asking for help. In fact, they are so committed to their families, that each of the three Rabbis I am talking about DO NOT OWN A TELEVISION. Do they love sports? Of course. Do they enjoy movies? You bet. But if there is a half hour that they can spend, either watching a sitcom or reading with their family, they will choose their family. THAT is commitment. I can bet that there are days where either the Rabbi or their wives are not on their best behavior, but they can take it for granted that, if anything, that point is when the stronger spouses' love is sturdier and picks up the slack for a while.

I think about people who date for three, four, even ten years, and compare them to the orthodox Jewish community where it is common to go out for only a few weeks or months and get married. As counter-intuitive as it is, time does not seem to make the difference. There are barely any divorces in the orthodox community, while you and I both know that most marriages in the secular world end in divorce, and those that don't are not necessarily happy. Obviously the Jews I am talking about don't know everything about their partners after only a few dates. They don't know what their sexual chemistry will be, and they don't know their nasty habits of leaving toenail clippings all over the bathroom floor. But traits that would make a regular person like me crazy are cleverly dealt with in the orthodox world:

The ultimate purpose in life, as I learned it, is pleasure. G-d wants everyone to experience pleasure in life, and gives us the tools to achieve it. In the context of marriage, he lays out a roadmap of how to make a marriage successful. Obviously any couple will have their rough days, their fights and irritations. But without getting into details, that roadmap, if followed correctly, leads to maintaining love and respect for each other and deriving endless joy out of the marriage. One important aspect of this is permitting individuality even in unity. Thus, when one partner has a passion to travel, take art classes, etc., the other spouse allows for that and respects it. Following this roadmap is why their marriages are fruitful, successful and happy, and the spouses are able to take each others' love for granted even when they don't necessarily feel like putting all the work required into the relationship that day.

And here I am back to square one: I am not an orthodox Jew, nor do I plan on becoming one. And I can't follow this roadmap on my own. So, on my search for finding my mate I ask for one wish to be granted: that I can take him for granted!


Some interesting articles, shared by a wife of one of the Rabbis:
"What is Love?"

"5 Things a Man Needs to Do in a Successful Relationship"

1/1/11

A new year.

A new beginning.

Change is good for the soul.


I hope everyone has a happy, healthy and amazing new year, from beautiful Napa Valley.

Dear readers,

This holiday season has certainly been busy! My final finals are approaching later this week, and by Thursday I will be finished with Law School (assuming I pass...) after three quick years!

Thanksgiving also came and went, with a fun family dinner at Rosebud, where I got to sit next to Kristin Wiig and take a picture with her!!! Friends from around the country gathered at my lovely new apartment to reminisce about old times and indulge in our new experiences. The evening ended with a great conversation that lasted until the sun came up with my friend, where we compared his recent battles with love to mine, both grappling with the thought of forgiveness.

This friend has been through a lot in his life, and next to him I have experienced relatively little. However when it comes to love, we were certainly on the same page. Though we ended up here in different ways, we are both ready to devote ourselves completely to another person in a way that most people our age have not yet even tapped into. At 25, he spoke about wanting to find his "Mrs.", have some babies, and let his friends catch up to him whenever they were ready. It was the first time I spoke with a man my age who felt the same way that I did, understanding what it meant to measure friends by quality and not quantity, set priorities by loyalties and courage rather than by self-indulegence, and find the love of our lives instead of just a life that we loved.

We discussed our romantic pasts and I found it interesting that after two years his wound was still open, but that he was ready to forgive. Perhaps time helped him forget why they are no longer together, perhaps he has seen that he can't find someone better, perhaps he is lonely and settling, and perhaps she is truly the love of his life. Whatever the reason, his ability to forgive is admirable.

This weekend I attended an untraditional Bat-Mitzvah of a remarkable girl. The Temple it was held at was the only Temple in Illinois that used sign language for every part of the service. The young woman did such a graceful job, as she learned her Torah portion in not one, not two, but three languages: English, Hebrew, and Sign Language. Her hands danced in fluid movements as her voice recited important lessons about forgiveness. As I listened to her read and discuss her Torah portion I thought of my friend and our conversation.

The portion spoke about forgiveness. Joseph (the one with the Amazing Techni-colored Dream Coat), was the favorite of his father's sons. Fueled by jealousy, his 11 brothers took Joseph and left him for dead in a cave. As a result, Joseph was found, sold into slavery, and went to jail. His siblings, those he loved and trusted most in the world, stabbed him in the back. But after several years when they were reunited and Joseph became a prominent figure in Egypt, Joseph forgave them without second thought.

Betrayal is an ugly thing, especially when it comes from someone you love. A friend, sibling, lover, spouse, teammate, coworker, etc. might stab you in the back and leave you just as Joseph's brothers left him. But the lesson we learn is that we are supposed to forgive. In Christianity, forgiveness in the eyes of G-d occurs when someone is remorseful, but no literal apology must be made. On the other hand, Judaism teaches that an apology must be made to those who are wronged before forgiveness can occur. While those wronged might not accept an apology, G-d will, as he is also able to tell whether or not it is sincere.

My friend and I are nowhere near Joseph in terms of righteousness, but I was impressed that he was able to forgive even when he felt betrayed. When thinking about myself I saw that I don't make myself vulnerable to be betrayed by most people. I let a few people in that closely and trust that they would not hurt me. For the most part, I am a good judge of character, so this has been successful and I am a better person for it. I believe it also makes me more loyal, and I strive to earn trust from others because I know how important it is for me. A question I often think about is whether it is harder to apologize or to forgive, and I think if both are done whole-heartedly they are equally difficult and admirable.

This weekend was my 25th birthday and I was happy to welcome a fresh, new year. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, and I am a testament to that. After all, if you are not strong, you must be, well, weak... and who can get through life like that? This year I will continue to grow and learn and be tested. This year I also know what I look for in others who I want to accompany me in my life more clearly than before. Though a snow storm prevented some good friends from joining me, I had a great dinner with those closest to me. Some people walked in and were impressed with the amount of people who showed up, for others it seemed a small group. For me, like Goldy-locks, it was just right, as I spent a great evening with those I am glad to be surrounded by.

BABY It's Cold Outside!!!!

UPDATE: Sienna Marin Saddler Schellinger :) was born at 2:15am on Nov. 14, 2010. 6 pounds 10 ounces of sheer perfection!!!

My best friend is currently in labor with her first child!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She is having a baby girl, who will be as thin as a noodle, as smart as a child of two Stanford grads would be, and as beautiful and exotic as Cleopatra. This is going to be one rock star baby. Can you sense my excitement!!??

This baby gets to start from scratch. A new, big and beautiful world is her Oyster. She is entering into the most loving universe a child can have, and I know she will be provided with only the best kinds of support and affection a child could ever need. I am so proud of my friend and her husband, as I could not imagine a more fit couple to supply me with my new favorite toy, and she could not have come at a more appropriate time:

My favorite time of year has officially begun! Yesterday at noon 93.9 WLIT started their month-long holiday music season, playing nothing but inspiring, joyful Christmas music on the radio 24 glorious hours a day, 7 beaming days a week. Upon hearing this music, which can make some people's skin crawl, makes every part of my being feel joyful and lighthearted.

Now, you may be wondering, why is this Jewish girl so obsessed with Christmas? I can tell you where it all began: I was born in Israel, and when my family moved to the US in October of 1989 it was the first time I saw snow. Before I even uttered my first English word I was immediately enrolled in Montessori, a nondenominational school. After a few short weeks the holidays came, and bright eyed and enthusiastic I came home, wrapped my tiny hands around my dad's neck and exclaimed, "Daddy! Daddy! Santa Clause knows my name!!!!!"

Needless to say my parents pulled me out and enrolled me at the Beth Shalom preschool the next day, but it was too late, the Christmas Spirit crept into my Soul and hasn't left since. Clearly it is not the religious aspect of Christmas that I love so much. In large part, it's an indication that Hanukah is quickly approaching and my mom's potato pancakes will soon be sizzling on the stove. That we will light the candles together as a family for eight nights in a row. It means that my birthday is quickly approaching, and that along with New Years I will be able to reflect on the past year and have one more year of wisdom behind me. But most of all, it's the joy, the spirit of giving, the warm smiles everyone bundles under their winter scarfs and hats, the uplifting music and the sparkling lights that make me count down to the day Starbucks starts using it's red cups every year.

Most importantly, it arouses some sort of spiritual connection with my best friends from High School. They live all over the map and have mostly moved away to achieve their dreams, but this time of year never fails to bring us back together. I am one of those rare people that would never want to revisit my college years but would relive high school in a millisecond. Overshadowing the bullying, the mean girls and the broken hearts was my life as a "Theatre Kid," or a "PAL" as my jerk English teacher called us (Performing Arts Loser). I don't care if you were the valedictorian or a 12 sport athlete, being a PAL enriched my life in an unspeakable way I doubt most people can understand. On the surface, I stayed away from the wrong crowds, avoided trouble, got direction through a healthy hobby, and was guided by the most caring and able of mentors. But it goes much deeper than that. It created lifelong bonds, it taught me about human interaction, about caring about others and about being comfortable with myself.

If any of you watch Glee, that is a pretty accurate description of life as a GBN PAL. We got to school at 7:45am and didn't leave until 9 or 10pm, leaving a few hours for homework, sleep, and hopefully a shower. Comedy Troupe, Choir, Show Choir, Theatre, Vocal Lessons, Musicals and lots more activities kept us busy and gave us direction. I played Tennis my freshman year, and I didn't get nearly as much out of that as I did through the performing arts department. But it was the holidays that made the countless hours of hard work worth it. We went everywhere from preschools to country clubs to nursing homes to spread holiday cheer and puts smiles on faces that needed them. We sang "Silent Night" to a woman who was taking her last breaths in the hospital, and sang "Joy to the World" to tables of loving young families. I have repaired houses wrecked from hurricane Katrina in New Orleans, been a counselor at a camp for children with cancer, and visited with HIV infected orphans in South Africa, yet something about singing holiday music brought me just as much or more fulfillment than many things I have done in my life. I needed it just as much as they did, and the reciprocity we shared connected me with my friends and our audiences.

One time we sang at an overcrowded home for adults with mental disabilities. The home was more like a dirty, smelly warehouse in disarray, with one staff person to every 15 or 20 residents. But when we got there you could never tell. They were so excited for us to sing and the joy on their faces was priceless. As we were wrapping up and singing our grand finale, "White Christmas," a very big and tall resident who made consistent eye contact with me throughout the concert sprang into a leap, pulled up his sweatpants and darted at me faster than I could scream "ELF!" He grabbed my leg, tore off my shoe, and started massaging my foot, my calf, my thigh and... well, you get it. I literally fell back onto my friends behind me and to my sides. An experience that could have been quite traumatic only left me with assurance that I was supported by my friends not just physically but emotionally as well. Turns out the guy had a foot fetish and was too big for his small caretaker to restrain. But no worries, the show must go on, and it did as we caroled to our usual exit.

Every year since graduating from high school my friends and I have gotten back together for some song and sentiment. I don't speak to some of them the entire year, and when December rolls around it's as though things have not changed. We have all moved on with our lives and gone to the moon and back for our aspirations, and have all been successful in our own special ways. I am so proud of them and am counting the days to get the gang back together again.

In the mean time, I am eagerly awaiting my new baby-friend to be delivered. Another healthy and happy life entering this world only to make it a better place, particularly around Christmas time.

No Excuses!

I was hoping that my next post would be more lighthearted, since many good things are going on in my life. I am mostly excited for my best friends from high school to come in for our annual Thanksgiving choir-song-fest, and I am anxiously awaiting "The Most Wonderful Time of Year:" Christmas/Hanukah/My Birthday to finally arrive. Instead, I had to share an interaction that occurred this morning:

Today (11.11, make a wish!) I officially encountered without a doubt the most tactful and mature adult interaction of my life. In my 24 years of learning how to play successfully with the rest of mankind, I have tried to avoid the petty drama that follows around most girls. I have generally been pretty successful at it. I stay out of the way of those who don't understand me or that I don't understand, and have fierce loyalty towards those I care deeply about. As Dr. Seuss wisely stated, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

I received an e-mail from a good friend of mine this morning. It was short, to the point, and honest. I did something to hurt her feelings and she immediately sent me an e-mail telling me what I did that hurt her, and why it hurt her. Upon receiving the e-mail I felt the terrible pang of guilt you get when you known you did something wrong. I had about 50 excuses and reasons for doing what I did floating on my head, but her feelings were valid, and any excuse would be my way of invalidating those feelings. More importantly, I appreciated the way she approached me directly and immediately. Not a single person in my life has ever approached me in this sort of manner. I would like to think that I don't do many things that would warrant such an interaction, but even if I do, how could I know unless I am told?

Tuesday I went to a class that discussed ways to maintain a successful relationship, and what to do when someone is hurt. My friend acted in the exact manner that Judaism dictates in order for our relationship to be healthy, happy, and continuous. If someone does or says something that hurts, bearing a grudge is poisonous. Instead, telling that person, while it may be hard to make the initial confrontation, certainly pays off in the end. There have been a few times where I have tried to be as tactful as my friend, but it is a two way street. The person confronted must be as thoughtful as the confronter, leaving any excuses out of the picture, because feelings are feelings.

My friend talked about her own feelings instead of attacking what I did. It was not offensive, and I decided not to act defensively. I called her within minutes of receiving her e-mail, and we talked it through. I told her that she was right, that I had no excuse, and I apologized. It was painful to hear that I hurt my friend, but I can not express the appreciation I have for her that she approached me in the way she did. At the end of the conversation she told me that she does not hold grudges. I have been told this many times before, but this was the first time I believed it.

Few lessons in life stick forever, but I know this one will. Instead of creating an uneasy rift in our relationship, she can be confident that I will never again do what I did. Our loyalty will remain and our friendship will bloom for years to come, all because of something that lasted no more than five minutes.

Chug-a-Chug-a-Change-Chaaaaange!

UPDATE: NOV. 17, 2010 I am pleased to inform you, friends, that my train has found its tracks and that Sally is officially back in business :). I missed you all!


Change is Gooood
Change is Goood
Change is Good
Chang is Goo
Chng is Goo
Chn i Gh
Chu e Gho
Chug a Cho
Chug a Choo
Chug a Chooo
Chug a Choooo
CHUG A CHOOO CHOOOO!!!!!

Did you see what I did there?
I jumped on a train.
The change train.

One of my favorite songs, "People Get Ready," talks about change, and makes it seem easy to take a leap of faith, hop on, and go where it leads:

"People get ready
There's a train a-coming
You don't need no baggage
You just get on board
All you need is faith
To hear the diesel's humming
Don't need no ticket
You just thank the Lord"


So... I'm on this train... I don't have a ticket (the train came way earlier than expected...) and I don't have any baggage (literally, all of my stuff is in storage right now...). The one problem is, I think I left my faith back at the station? I just got on board, because the train came, and I had no other choice.

So... I'm on this train... and it is admittedly terrifying because I have no idea where it is going. For the last three years I have been at the same school, lived at the same place, dated the same guy, and used the Blue Line. My graduation date from school is January 16, and on that day each and every one of those things will have been peeled off of my warm and comfy cocoon, leaving what I can only hope will be a... butterfly?

So... I'm on this train... and through the glass I look and see myself standing at the station getting smaller and smaller in the distance. Sadly, when I pull my face away to try to find my reflection in the window, it's foggy and I can't make out an image of the Sally I have recognized for 24 years. Where was I in all of this change? I feel like I was unwillingly pushed on to the train, and that now I have no choice but to go forward, but I'm still trying to figure out what forward is?

Mahatma Gandhi said “We must become the change we want to see.” I suppose I'll have to patiently sit on the seat on this train on these tracks on the path to... somewhere. And I'll sit here until i figure out what kind of change I want to see. Up until the moment the train unexpectedly arrived, there was nothing in my life that I would have changed, and now I don't have a choice. So I'll try to hold on to that faith, and hopefully, before I know it, I'll be able to thank the lord.

Count Down to Harry Potter!

“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Albus Dumbledore

Halloween marked two years since my beloved grandfather passed away. Yes, on Halloween. The year it happened was quite a mess and only a few people knew about it. I had a party with about 50 people at my apartment that night, found out he passed away earlier that day while trying to prepare, and had a ticket to fly to Israel the next morning for the funeral. God works in funny ways. I think the party helped me take my mind off of the fact that I had lost my last living grandparent that day.

One of my favorite memories of him was the last time he visited the States in 1998. He and my grandmother flew 13 hours from Israel to celebrate my sister's wedding and my Bat Mitzvah. Can you imagine the stress of my mother planning both, while taking care of my grandparents?! Not many women could handle that, yet she did with her usual grace and humility.

He was one of the smartest men I have ever known, with the most contagious belly laugh imaginable- certainly my father's father. Constantly asking me multiplication questions, traveling the world for business, swimming in the Mediterranean every morning, and fluent in at least five languages. At that point only the first Harry Potter- Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, was published. I have this vivid memory (stored in my pensive ;) ) of coming downstairs in the morning only to see my grandfather, a wrinkled man of 85 at the time, bright eyed and anxious to flip to the next chapter of the wizarding world of Harry Potter. He read the book, in a language fourth or fifth from his native, in three days. He was just as fascinated by J.K Rowling's imagination, imagery and ideas as I was, 60 years his junior. I will go ahead and venture to guess that if you don't like Harry Potter, your imagination is not of the whimsical kind, and you are definitely not a Sagittarius.

As part one of the 7th installment comes out next week, I thought I'd write this post for him. He would have loved to continue reading the tales and watching the movies as much as my father and I do. I was in high school when the first two films came out. I went with my dad, Thursday night at midnight, along with all of the other witches and wizards who dressed up for the movie. I missed school the next morning, but the time spent with my dad was priceless. For the following two films, I drove home from college to once again view the Thursday midnight showing with my dad. For numbers five and six, you guessed it, two adults, waiting in a two hour line, to go see the fantastic adventures of Ron, Hermione and Harry.

What is it about Harry Potter that we love so much? Aside from the remarkable imagination of the story itself, Harry Potter sends out a powerful message. I stumbled across a blog that listed the most prevalent themes in Harry Potter:

1.Love is the most powerful force in the world
2.Objective morality (there is good, there is evil)
3.There is a battle between good and evil
4. We must choose a side
5.We should choose the good
Click here to see the blog.

For a children's book, this wisdom is invaluable to any age. Love is certainly the most powerful force in the world. When we lose someone, the pain is unspeakable. It is not only emotional but also physical. For true love, no obstacle is too great to overcome. If I have learned one thing about love, it is that it is unconditional. And when there are conditions, it is simply not true love. My father told me a long time ago, that when you really love someone, you even love the things you don't like. There is no such thing as "I love you, BUT..."

In Harry's case, it is the love his parents had for him that kept him alive when Voldemort wanted to kill him. It is the love he has for his friends and family that helps him defy the Death Eaters time after time. I can not think of a couple with a love more powerful than my parents. Affection, Attention, Appreciation, Affirmation, Adoration, Affinity... the list goes on, from A-Z. Every couple has their qualms, problems and annoying tendencies. Harry and I have learned together that love is certainly hard work. Yet Harry, who could have succumbed to Voldemort and the temptation of taking the easy way out, personifies unconditional love.

I am looking forward to the second to last midnight premier of Harry Potter that I will see with my dad. While there are hundreds of other midnight premiers we will attend, the last Harry Potter will close a chapter that has lasted almost 13 years, but my memories with my father, and my father's father, will be as strong as Harry's scar.



Other Harry Potter quotes I keep close:

After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure. ~Albus Dumbledore

Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain. ~Arthur Weasley

It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities. ~Albus Dumbledore

If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals. ~Sirius Black

Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it. ~Albus Dumbledore

You place too much importance... on the so-called purity of blood! You fail to recognize that it matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be! ~ Albus Dumbledore

Differences of habit and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open. ~Albus Dumbledore

It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live. ~Albus Dumbledore

It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends. ~Albus Dumbledore

The truth is a beautiful and terrible thing, and should therefore be treated with caution. ~Albus Dumbledore

Ah, music. A magic beyond all we do here! ~Albus Dumbledore

The best of us must sometimes eat our words. ~Albus Dumbledore

If you're holding out for universal popularity, I'm afraid you will be in this cabin for a very long time. ~Albus Dumbledore

Dark and difficult times lie ahead. Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy. ~Albus Dumbledore

What's comin' will come and we'll meet it when it does. ~Hagrid

Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike. ~Albus Dumbledore

People find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right. ~Albus Dumbledore