January 31 of last year was a very special day for me, but within the last year my life has changed tremendously. I learned a-lot about human nature, but I am also left with hundreds of unanswered questions. Perhaps the hardest to answer is this: When does a relationship with someone become strong enough so that you can you finally take your love for granted?
Lets take Taylor, from "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" for example. She and her husband live in a world of plastic Barbie Dolls. In fear of losing her husband to a younger woman, Taylor has to stop eating and botch her face with Botox in order to remain what her husband considers to be "attractive." Debra, from "Everybody Loves Raymond" illustrates that having sex with her husband is an act of love, and not something that she actually wants to do. But what if Taylor and Debra stopped complying? Would their husbands quit? Does this go both ways?
Advice that I always gave my single friends, and I now remind myself, is always make sure that the guy you date likes you more than you like him. This serves as a defensive shield that prevents you from getting hurt, because lets face it, guys can be jerks. At some point however, that line naturally blurs and a mutual and equal love should develop between two people, and my silly rule can be dismissed. I once dated a guy who, whenever I talked about how perfect things were, always reminded me that things are not always perfect, but that you work on those things and get passed them in order to make a relationship successful. Another wise friend told me that after a rough break up, she learned, "you don't want a man who you have to ask to [buy you flowers/stand up for you/change a lightbulb/insert issue here]. You want a man who will just do it."
Lets not equate "taking for granted" with "stop working." At the same time that a relationship becomes more serious, it also becomes more work. But this hard work is meant to attain ultimate pleasure and joy from your partner. It is not hard work meant to constantly keep you on edge, leaving you unable to feel comfortable, content. It is not hard work that is meant to leave you unable take your love for granted, without the fear of screwing it up because of a bad day, week, month or even year.
My dilemma is as such: when is a commitment a commitment? If People Magazine today teaches us anything, it's that you have to get pregnant in order to get a ring, and that no marriage is faithful. I can tell you with certainty of only ONE marriage that has remained loving, happy and faithful- my parents'. Lets face it folks, not even Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was faithful to his wife.
Thus, my head swirls with doubts. I reflect, asking myself "when can I trust someone to love me even when I suck?" My very wise friend, let's call her Nutella, and I have had dozens of conversations about relationships, trust, and love. I, on the one hand, am a hopeless romantic. I believe every story has a fairy tale ending and am a sucker for love. At the other side of the spectrum, Nutella is, at most, cautiously optimistic about the theory I call love and treads lightly around the idea. Her mother taught her that a good relationship has four pillars: Humor (not too hard to find), Intelligence (that's relative I suppose), Motivation (is he a couch potato or a go getter?), and Generosity (the hardest to come by). Together, even when you suck, an intelligent, motivated and generous man will not take the easy path out, but might find some humor in it and work towards the light at the end of the tunnel, thus allowing you to take your love for granted.
While discussing my recent dating escapades with Nutella, all the stories lead her to but one question about Jewish men, "Do their balls ever drop?" (Her words, not mine). Needless to say these escapades, while fun, have not yet brought me any step closer to the assurance that there will be one day where I don't have to explain away my bad mood, be questioned when I want a light-bulb changed, or be embarrassed if I accidentally fart under the covers.
Then I think about the Rabbis that teach me. Each of them went on at MOST ten dates before they knew they were ready to get married to their wives. None of them are divorced, and their relationships are as healthy as a relationship get. How did they know after only ten dates that she was "the one?" The husband-wife dynamic is TOP priority, despite the ten little kids running around at home, the constant buzz of the blackberry, and the dozens of people asking for help. In fact, they are so committed to their families, that each of the three Rabbis I am talking about DO NOT OWN A TELEVISION. Do they love sports? Of course. Do they enjoy movies? You bet. But if there is a half hour that they can spend, either watching a sitcom or reading with their family, they will choose their family. THAT is commitment. I can bet that there are days where either the Rabbi or their wives are not on their best behavior, but they can take it for granted that, if anything, that point is when the stronger spouses' love is sturdier and picks up the slack for a while.
I think about people who date for three, four, even ten years, and compare them to the orthodox Jewish community where it is common to go out for only a few weeks or months and get married. As counter-intuitive as it is, time does not seem to make the difference. There are barely any divorces in the orthodox community, while you and I both know that most marriages in the secular world end in divorce, and those that don't are not necessarily happy. Obviously the Jews I am talking about don't know everything about their partners after only a few dates. They don't know what their sexual chemistry will be, and they don't know their nasty habits of leaving toenail clippings all over the bathroom floor. But traits that would make a regular person like me crazy are cleverly dealt with in the orthodox world:
The ultimate purpose in life, as I learned it, is pleasure. G-d wants everyone to experience pleasure in life, and gives us the tools to achieve it. In the context of marriage, he lays out a roadmap of how to make a marriage successful. Obviously any couple will have their rough days, their fights and irritations. But without getting into details, that roadmap, if followed correctly, leads to maintaining love and respect for each other and deriving endless joy out of the marriage. One important aspect of this is permitting individuality even in unity. Thus, when one partner has a passion to travel, take art classes, etc., the other spouse allows for that and respects it. Following this roadmap is why their marriages are fruitful, successful and happy, and the spouses are able to take each others' love for granted even when they don't necessarily feel like putting all the work required into the relationship that day.
And here I am back to square one: I am not an orthodox Jew, nor do I plan on becoming one. And I can't follow this roadmap on my own. So, on my search for finding my mate I ask for one wish to be granted: that I can take him for granted!
Some interesting articles, shared by a wife of one of the Rabbis:
"What is Love?"
"5 Things a Man Needs to Do in a Successful Relationship"
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